Common mistakes plus-size women and (SS)BBW make on dating sites

The most often asked questions from plus-size women and (SS)BBW ((Super-sized) Big Beautiful Women) I get are about dating; my experience with plus-size and (SS)BBW dating, where to date admirers of plus-size women and (SS)BBW, etc. However, the one question I have never gotten about this topic is something along the lines of this:

What mistakes do women like me make on plus-size and/or (SS)BBW dating sites and how to avoid them?

And in my opinion this is a very necessary question, but one that I think very few women actually ask themselves. See, when people want something and put in effort to get it (in this case a love relationship) but are not getting the desired results, very often the first thing they do is complain about their situation without first looking at their actions.

Over the years I have received many emails from plus-size women and (SS)BBW looking to date men. Some of them had already been dating for some time with mixed results. One question that frequently lands in my inbox is why dating isn't working out for them.

While I am definitely all about empowering women, I also like to be honest and sometimes you just have to say it like it is without sugarcoating it. On this page I will mention common mistakes that plus-size women and (SS)BBW make on plus-size and (SS)BBW dating websites, how to avoid them, and what to do instead.

Joining free plus-size and (SS)BBW dating sites

Typically dating sites can be either free (ad supported) or provide premium (paid) memberships. Many people opt for free dating sites for the simple reason that they want to and can save money. But this creates a significant problem for any woman who is serious about starting a love relationship. Let me explain.

Nowadays many dating websites have members who are not seriously looking for love relationships (mostly males) but pretend to be. Also called ‘players’, these members are only interested in dating people for so-called ‘short-term fun’. Players can be found on regular dating websites, but also - and perhaps even more so - on plus-size and (SS)BBW dating websites (I say “perhaps even more so” because many men think that plus-size women and (SS)BBW generally have low self-esteem and therefore are easy to manipulate for their own selfish benefits). Now you may be familiar with the following saying:

Putting your money where your mouth is.

I want you to put yourself in the shoes of a player for a moment; let's say you are one of these types of people and are looking for short-term fun with a plus-size woman or (SS)BBW but are not interested in a love relationship with her. Now would or wouldn't you invest money into contacting her? As a rule of thumb if someone is willing to pay for a premium membership (thus someone who is putting their money where their mouth is), they are more likely to be serious about dating and are looking for a love relationship and are less likely to be looking for short-term fun. Now this is of course not 100% reliable, there might still be players who are willing to go the extra mile, and are effectively using a paid membership as a cover to let a woman think they are serious about wanting a love relationship, but I think that is really the exception, not the rule.

The bottom line is this: If you are using free dating sites and expect quality members (i.e. members who are sincere about what they want and therefore make it easier for you to make an informed decision about whether or not to date them) then you are in the wrong place. You are far better off using a site where the members have to pay for a premium membership to be able to contact you for the simple reason that someone who is serious about wanting a love relationship is more willing to pay for it than someone who isn't. This is pretty straightforward, but I feel most women don't ever give it conscious thought, and therefore they are still single and are likely to stay single and in turn keep complaining about it. If you want quality members then sign up for a dating site where contacting you requires a premium membership!

“I'm not comfortable with my size/weight”

In this day and age many women who are plus-size or (SS)BBW are facing discrimination and ridicule, so to feel good about yourself in today's society seems like a tall order. As an admirer of plus-size women and (SS)BBW I understand this like no other because I see the discrimination in public places, I read the slanderous comments online, and I get the letters from women who are writing me that they are finding it difficult to feel comfortable with their size/weight (even if they initially don't have a problem with it themselves).

If you are not comfortable with your size/weight then perhaps it is a good idea for you to get to a place where you do feel comfortable, whether that is by improving your self-esteem or by losing weight. (And by the way, if you do decide to lose weight, at least do it for yourself, not because of what others think of you.) If you are not happy with yourself how can you possibly give happiness in a love relationship? This is a question many plus-size women and (SS)BBW do not ask themselves; they are unhappy with their body image and think that when they meet that man who loves them as they look that they will feel better. While this may work for some time, pretty soon their dismay with their body will seep through again and they will need constant reassurance from their partner that they are in fact beautiful (after all, why else would they stay with them?). The issue with that is that your validation comes from them, while it should come from you instead. This in turn puts a strain on any partner in a love relationship. Now you may argue that you are happy in other areas of your life, but trust me, when you are not happy with your physical appearance that will tremendously impact your dating experience, both for you and the person you're dating for the simple reason that physicality plays a huge role in dating; after all it's the first aspect of them that you see. The only person you should look for validation for is you.

And from the perspective of an admirer, they are looking for someone who is happy with their size/weight, because the last thing that anyone wants in a love relationship is to be with someone who constantly needs reminding that they are beautiful. That may sound harsh, but it's the reality, especially if you've had a few love relationships that went South because of this, and I've certainly been there myself. This is why I always say “Work on your self-esteem/confidence first before you start dating.”. As long as you are not happy in your plus-size or (SS)BBW body you shouldn't think about starting a love relationship or even dating, regardless of whether you are on a plus-size or (SS)BBW dating site, or on a regular dating site. I know, it's difficult nowadays, but it shouldn't deter you because your future love relationship depends on it.

“I'm losing or trying to lose a lot of weight”

This is similar to not being comfortable with your body, but in this case you have already made up your mind that you definitely want to lose weight as opposed to working on your self-esteem/confidence. Now if you are just looking to lose some weight for health reasons (in other words you're happy with how you look) and go down a few clothing sizes but will still be plus-size or a(n) (SS)BBW, that shouldn't impact your chances of success much on a plus-size or (SS)BBW dating site. However, if you are looking to lose so much weight and go down so many clothing sizes that you are no longer considered plus-size or a(n) (SS)BBW, or that your body looks (and feels) very different from what it looked (and felt) like before your weight loss, then it is probably not a good idea to join plus-size and/or (SS)BBW dating sites and join regular dating sites instead. And the reason is because the members on plus-size and (SS)BBW dating sites who are looking for a plus-size woman or a(n) (SS)BBW are not attracted to women who are smaller than a woman of their physical preference, or who are otherwise intended on vastly changing how their bodies looks and feels. Reading this, perhaps it makes you feel that physicality is the only important thing to people with this body type preference, but it is not, it's just something important. Let me explain this with two examples so you can see this from your own perspective as well as from that of a man.

Let's say you're a plus-size woman who is attracted to muscular men, but slender or skinny men just don't do it for you. You love how muscular/fit guys look and that they work out often to stay in shape and possibly that they are healthy. You're on a dating site and you come across a profile of a gorgeous looking and handsome man with an incredible men's physique who has the following profile description:

Hi, my name is Cody, I am an attractive male and a former professional model who is looking for serious love. Although I still am in pretty good shape my job as a model was pretty taxing on my love life which is why I now have a regular office job. Because I work out less now than I used to I'm losing quite a bit of muscle mass but I now have more time for a love love relationship.

This man may want to explain that he is serious about finding and keeping a love relationship by telling his story of what he used to do didn't work for him love wise, and the changes he's made to ensure a succesful love life in the future. But for you as a woman who is into muscular/fit men this is not what you are looking for so you decide to click to the next profile.

Now let's look at this from a man's point of view. Imagine being an admirer of plus-size women and you're on a plus-size or (SS)BBW dating website and you come across a profile of an absolutely stunning plus-size woman with the following profile description:

Hi my name is Stacy, and I am looking for a long-term love relationship with a man. I currently weigh 280 lbs. Even though I'm considered a big woman and my doctor says I'm healthier than some of his thinner patients, I am losing weight as I don't feel comfortable in my body at this size. My goal weight is to be under 200 lbs.

This woman evidently isn't happy at her weight/size. But for you as a man who is into plus-size women this is not what you are looking for so you decide to click to the next profile.

Some of you reading this may be offended, but think about this from a man's point of view for a moment. If the guy from the first example was on a dating site catering for people who exclusively want to date muscular men, would you say it makes sense for him to be on such a dating site? I mean let's be honest. I'm not saying plus-size women and (SS)BBW who are losing so much weight that they are effectively no longer considered plus-size can not date, I'm just saying that they shouldn't be on plus-size and (SS)BBW dating sites because they are limiting their chances of success.

Now in the last example regardless of whether this woman is losing weight because she wants to feel comfortable in her skin, or because it could improve her health (let's say her doctor said she was in poor health), the fact that she loses so much weight that she effectively will no longer be considered a plus-size woman begs the question why she is on a plus-size or (SS)BBW dating site to begin with.

With regards to first example of the muscular man, you could imagine a similar scenario in which you'd be exclusively (or more so) attracted to men with beards (this is another very common attraction for women by the way), but the man states in his profile that he is thinking about shaving his beard. Imagine it, you are super attracted to this man but he states that he is considering to get rid of the one thing about him that - at least on a physical level - attracts you the most; well, it's exactly the same for men who are looking for plus-size women and/or (SS)BBW but whom want to lose a lot of weight.

The bottom line is that women who are not happy being plus-size are best to avoid plus-size and (SS)BBW dating sites, because the members on those sites are specifically looking for women with a plus-size and/or (SS)BBW body type, so your chances of success on those sites will be limited because of it.

In closing

In summary, when looking for a love relationship keep the following in mind because these for a great part determine your chances of success: if you are unhappy with the quality of dates then switch dating sites; if you are unhappy with yourself then either change yourself or sign up for regular dating sites where its members are not as focused on body type as they are on plus-size and (SS)BBW dating sites.

Last updated: June 16, 2017